Several days ago a man around 50 years of age was having breakfast with us in our home when suddenly he burst out sobbing.
I had asked a simple question, “Did your dad spend time with you?”
His obvious pain revealed a bit of the heart of every boy and man – the deep desire to be accepted and loved by his father.
His deep regret was that though his dad had spent some time with him, they never really developed that longed for father/son relationship.
The other regret was that he was repeating the same thing with his own son.
The absent father wound is cutting a wide swath of regret, misery, brokenness, rebellion and destruction across our nation.
There is no extraordinary insight required; children need a father! Period!
When a father is absent, whether in person or in not spending time with his child, there will be unfortunate consequences.
At the beginning of 2012, Anna Maria Tremonti hosted a special episode of her radio show, The Current in the Yukon with the topic: Fathers without fathers: aboriginal men in Canada.
One of the individuals, who was there that day, had made a documentary for the CBC on Aboriginal fathers. He stated, “Two out of every three aboriginal kids in Canada are raised without a father.”
So, do boys really need fathers? Consider the following:
Dr. William Pollock, Harvard psychologist and author of Real Boys, says divorce is difficult for children of both sexes, but is devastating for boys. He says the basic problem is the lack of discipline and supervision in the father's absence and his unavailability to teach what it means to be a man. Pollock also believes fathers are crucial in helping boys to manage their emotions.
Don Elium, author of Raising a Son, says that with troubled boys, the common theme is distant, uninvolved fathers.
Prisons are populated primarily by men who were abandoned or rejected by their fathers. Bill Glass, a dedicated evangelist who counseled almost every weekend for 25 years with men who were incarcerated, says that among the thousands of prisoners he had met, not one of them genuinely loved his dad.
Ninety-five percent of those on death row hated their fathers.
Whoa! I hope that by now you are shaking your head in disbelief.
What about girls? Do they need fathers?
Meg Meeker, M.D. says. “Girls who are close to their fathers exhibit less anxiety and withdrawn behaviors. Daughters who perceive that their fathers care a lot about them, and who feel connected to their fathers, have significantly fewer suicide attempts and fewer instances of body dissatisfaction, depression, low self-esteem, substance use and unhealthy weight. Girls with fathers who are involved in their lives have higher quantitative and verbal skills and higher intellectual functioning."
I trust we are getting the message.
Father’s Day is Sunday. My purpose is not to make you feel guilty but to spur you to good action. It is never too late!
I want to encourage us as dads to work on our relationship with our children. We must make time to spend with them. We need to learn to listen to what they are saying both verbally and non-verbally.
Instead of giving you a long list of things to work on, let me suggest three things that we can do to be better dads:
1. Love the mother of your children. If you really want to demonstrate to your children that you love them you need to love their mother first.
2. Spend time with your children. Engage with them, don’t grunt while they are trying to talk with you while you are watching TV. Give them your full attention and really try to listen.
3. We’ve been talking about relationships. All of us have a deep longing to have a relationship with our creator, with our Heavenly Father. I encourage you to develop a relationship with the one who wrote the manual on how to be a strong, loving and caring father.
– Henry Klassen is senior pastor of the Gospel Chapel in Grand Forks